"How to be a White Girl in Nashville" Part 2. By Guest Writer Benton
LIVING For LIVING In Nashville!
You came, you saw, and you didn’t get pregnant, so overall it was a pretty great trip! In fact, I bet in a tequila drunken haze, you even stumbled your way into a tattoo shop and got a dope ass teeny tiny infinity symbol tattoo on your wrist. No wait it was star, no an inspirational quote written in a cursive no one can read. Well...it doesn’t matter honestly, because there’s no news bigger or more disappointing to the Nashville Natives reading this than your decision to move here! We get it you’re so excited to send out that Facebook status and announce your plans to move you and your Ugg boots and Yoga mats to Music City, but the locals here feel like their small town city is full. Me however, well I feel the way you white girls feel about going to the bathroom, the more the merrier. But to avoid the stress and fights that are often caused by that mindset, and not to mention the long lines it forms, I am going to help you fit right into our city with some more helpful tips.
I Need A Place To Keep My Wine, Oh And To Live…
Well, you have boxes full of leggings and rom-coms to unpack, but where is the best place in Nashville to lay your messy bun at night? Broadway is a great place for you and your fellow potatoes (see part one if that reference doesn’t make sense) to go out in body glitter and cry over boys you don’t know, however, I don’t think it’s the perfect place for you to call home. You could come to the Gulch; it’s a lot like joining a cult when you live here. You’re surrounded by signs telling you to live, eat, and work in the Gulch. Honestly I’m not sure if when you arrive you’re ever allowed to leave. What I do know, is that your bank account will never be the same, and if you can't afford Starbucks; you can't take pictures of you holding Starbucks and if you can't take those pictures then you can't use that Katy Perry lyric that speaks to you in the caption and if you can't do that, well then who are you really? Then there’s East Nashville and we would need a whole other post to talk about the place were teen angst, arrogance, and poor hygiene are the three best terms to describe literally everything there, including the people. It’s just not for you, unless you too have given up on shaving your legs and decided disappointing your parents is important to you. If so, please move there, they may need help making organic recyclable bird feeders out of old I.U.D’s and calling it art. That could be your new thing, but I think it's a safe bet that you're not that kind of girl. No, a girl like you belongs in the headquarters of the #NWG (Nashville White Girl), Hillsboro Village.
Yes, of course I know that the “white girl” can be found anywhere, rather she have physical form or be in the hearts of our family and friends, she is there in the crowd. But it is my personal belief (and now yours) that Hillsboro Village is the home base of the NWG, I mean correct me if I’m wrong, but is that not where Tay Tay goes for lunch? I mean look around, there are tons of over priced boutiques selling you $130 kimono style cardigans, basic brown leather bags, and cheeky coffee mugs talking about how much you LOVE whiskey. I mean it’s overpriced trendy ridiculous coffees and sweets as far as the eye can see. Honestly, I thought when there was that much basic in one place Lauren Conrad would just materialize. I know, I know, I’m so horrible talking about your queen like that, she’s a real trendsetter that one. I bet, right now as we speak, she’s doing something crazy like adding some highlights or posing in floral on the cover of Cosmo. Okay focus, you’re reading this blog right now, you can go search her blog for a post on how to do a twisty braid later. My point is, this is exactly where a white girl should put down roots, and by roots I mean your Target comforter set that you found on Pinterest.
I've Seen Every Episode Of The Simple Life; I’m Totally Qualified!
Because you don’t get paid for being in a sorority, and eventually you have to leave college, you’ll need a job. Yes, you need a job to pay the rent on your new place, but more importantly you need coins because your Sephora coupon is about to expire and the new "Naked" pallet has a gold color you just love. No, you won't use any of the other colors in the pallet, but if you get this one that means that out of the 4, you will have a total of 7 colors you like, so it's worth it. But first you need a job, and what is a white girl like you qualified to do, other than make a juice box drip every time she watches Magic Mike? With that being said, please ladies lets be careful, puddles are a safety hazard. Okay now where were we, oh yeah, you need a job, and since you’re already headed to Sephora why not apply? You love makeup even though you don’t wear any, like ever. That’s okay though because you watch YouTube, and you really, really love contouring, oh and liquid lips. So makeup artist is the perfect job for a NWG, or better yet, a wedding makeup artist, and before anyone tries to make me out as villain for talking about makeup artists, I’ll have you know that my inner white girl chose that career. When I’m not doing comedy I happen to take jobs as a makeup artist myself, so see it's okay to laugh at yourself. My inner black girl however wanted to be Jennifer Hudson, but turns out that’s not a career more than one person can have at a time, so she became an Instagram model and a chef. Yeah, let's see you do both Tyra. Anyways, enough about me let's move on. You could also get a job as a hair stylist and the more you focus on up dos, the more your white girl shines. Plus, that could really help with the weddings, a two for one on basic. But if you want something trendier, something exciting, the job every modern 2016 NWG has decided to take on. A job to help not only herself but everyone around her to be healthier, happier, and smell like a Contributor salesman on a hot Nashville day, well then you need to get into the business of essential oils. I know, of course, there are oil hippies who have been around for years, but right now oils are trendy. You know trendy, like how all of a sudden every Sarah, Jessica, and Allie wants black lipstick and a floppy hat after watching one tv show about witches. But that’s trends for you; it’s all about taking the identity of the unique and finding a way to wear it to Chili’s. But it's true and you should know that right at this very moment, there are white girls all over Nashville who didn’t get the memo on hot sauce and instead made room in all their bags for bottles on bottles worth of voodoo juice. Then they have the audacity to try and look us in face and sell us tiny little bottles of frankincense. You know the stinky flower that one of the two hipster wise men, that clearly couldn’t get their shit together, “gifted” Baby J. Yes, just like the fools who walked for miles with a man carrying a gift of gold to the newborn king of kings, and deciding, what I assume was last minute, that maybe they should bring a gift too. These white girls are coming from all over into your jobs and homes trying to pawn off the smell of the plague in exchange for your gold. Oh and don’t even get me started on the peppermint oil, you're not a holiday drink for Starbucks ladies! But I digress, my point is that if you want a job in the dark arts these oils could be for you. But remember while you’re on your way to becoming Nashville’s newest medicine women, that these oils do have a great power. Of course that power is keeping boys away, but hey, maybe now we can get through a High School graduation without watching a crowning baby grabbing the diploma for its mama. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, pregnant teens don’t have mid birth babies grabbing their diplomas, they grab their GEDs. On a serious note however, parents reading this need to know essential oils will not stop teen pregnancy, these kids are wild now…have you heard about the cake they eat?
Sorry, got a little sidetracked, you know like when you start to think about how you’re 30 and that sorority didn’t prepare you for anything but how to force yourself to form life long codependent relationships with girls who can't hold their liquor. Anyways, here are some more jobs you can do now that you're living as a true NWG. You can work at a golf course, be a wedding planner, a Realtor, or pretend you go to Vanderbilt. Just not Hooters, those girls are heroes. It takes big ovaries to stand in a room full of men who are all under the delusions that all the girls there want them, and NOT use their lady charm to convince the guys the spicy wing sauce makes a great lube. In the end it’s about being happy, so you really should just work wherever Chacos are sold.
Well now that you're settled in, I am sure you’ve made friends who have mutual interests like wine, searching for the perfect nude lipstick, talking about a boy you found on Instagram who could be your husband (but you don't know him, and he lives in Spain), posting Bible verses under bikini pics with your prayer circle, and doing a “workout” that allows the use of a ballet bar, so that you don’t feel so bad about having all your childhood dreams crushed because your child bearing hips ruined any chances of being a real ballerina, well, that and you sucked. That run on sentence was worth it.
Who cares though, now you have friends. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but they own the perfect amount of Tory Burch, and they will keep you from being alone in your snaps. Exciting, now that you’ve formed a squad, it's time to hit the bars, but where does a group of single lady caspers like yours go for a good time? I know what you’re thinking, Broadway, and yes, that’s a classic choice for potatoes, drunks, and ghost babes like you, but it's overplayed. You could head to a comedy club, but talking about how you wear your spanxs when you watch the Bachelor just because you feel like he’s giving the rose to you is highly frowned upon. I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, because how could everyone not want to know what you’re feeling at all times?! I mean hello, your Facebook post has 24 likes! But it's true ladies, the comedy clubs are less interested in you and more interested in letting the person with the microphone talk, so maybe save the comedy club for date nights. Also you’re a local now and you and the snowballs want to have fun, you're not looking for guys, Tinder has that covered for you (more on Tinder in the finale part of our trilogy) and for you ladies it's all about the white girl “whhhooooas”! So like any good NWG that means you’re headed to the gay bar! I know there are lots of gays who have probably expressed to you their distaste for the drunk white girls who are taking up their space and sloppily making moves on the bears and twinks and daddies, oh my! Girls, I’m here to tell you to pay those bitchy little Mary’s no mind, any good gay would welcome you with open arms. They know the NWG just wants a chance to get shit faced, break a nail, and dance till she sweats through her bra! Your local LGBT friends understand the fears that come with having a vagina and a mixed drink now a days, but with the gays you know you can enjoy being in a room full of boys who aren’t competitive swimmers with dreams of the Olympics. It’s like I said, a gay worth your time loves having you at the bar, it’s not a secret that loud drunk girl groups like yourselves have played a big part in making sure the drag queens get tipped. Sometimes I feel like you ladies are keeping these queens in business, one potato party at a time. So be the NWG you’ve always dreamed you’d be, find your place in the rainbow, and open a new note in your iPhone because you can bet you’ll be leaving with some makeup tips.
What Filter Makes My Future Look Best?
Well my fresh linen Bath and Body Works candles, it looks like we’ve come to the end of part two in our guide to finding your true white girl here in Nashville. I hope these tips help you settle into Music City a little easier! And no matter what horrible things you hear people (me) say about you, we all are so thankful you have chosen to come here. That’s a sentence that should mean something to you, because so many people go through life never hearing that, just ask Bill Clinton. I really do want the best for you girls, even now I’m praying that bread bowl between your legs clears up so you don’t have to start asking all your dates if they enjoy eating at Panera before going to third base. Oh and speaking of third base, I hope you find love, my wish for you all is that you fall madly in love with someone who won’t give you HPV, well won't give you MORE HPV. I hope you keep #Pinning and you never take off your Michael Kors watch, but more than anything I hope you enjoyed this post. I’m hoping it made you laugh a lot, cry a little, and second-guess your life most! Please keep commenting and sharing your funny #NashvilleWhiteGirl stories and photos with us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I hope you make your way back over to check out the third and final post in the “How To be a White Girl in Nashville” series, it's going to be all about love, marriage, and what happens to NWGs when they grow up. Personally I’m pretty excited! Once again, I hope this made you smile, mostly because I want to clear something up. There’s a saying that tells us “happy girls are the prettiest”, but that’s a lie, girls who use filters are the prettiest.
Benton is a self proclaimed Glamour Comic, standup comedian & writer based out of Nashville, TN. His charmingly cute, yet brutally honest approach to everyday topics and pop culture makes him the perfect person to give advice on love, life, and anything else your family and friends insist on lying to you about.
I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I did! It's so much fun to make fun of basic white girls, like myself! Part one was such a big hit, I just had to have Benton back for part 2! If you missed it, you can read part 1 here ----> ohttp://www.nativeinnashville.com/be-my-guest/bentonhickerson .
For more of Benton you can follow him on Instagram @RoyalBabyBenton and visit him on FB at https://www.facebook.com/RoyalBabyBenton/
**All opinions are purely for comedy and do not reflect Amber's opinions. Amber loves East Nashville and girls who sell essential oils. She also used to be a Hooters Girl with a star tattoo on one wrist & a cursive infinity like symbol that says "love" which she found on Pinterest on the other. Remember people, tattoos are PERMANENT. 🙈
Please remember to vote for your favorite blog on the Tennesseean's TOAST of Music City Awards. Native in Nashville has been nominated in the "people and places" category for best blog. You can vote here ---> http://tennessean.secondstreetapp.com/l/TOAST-Readers-Choice-2016/Ballot/PeopleampPlaces
THANKS YALL!! XOXO- Amber