"How to be a White Girl in Nashville" Part 1
by guest writer Benton
Okay. You’ve made it to THE Nashville. Your iPhone is at 20% and you are determined to get as many photos of your food, coffee, and frienemies as possible. But where do you start? You’ve never had to can in Nashville, so how will you even know what you can’t? Well luckily for you I’m here to help! I’ll literally give you all the info you need to literally make it as a literal white girl in Nashville. So find somewhere comfy, grab your Kate Spade planner, flip to the notes section and pay attention.
What Would Tay Tay Wear?
Okay, first thing's first: what are you going to wear? Winter is like, so over so it’s time to retire those oh so unique and one of a kind knee high boots that mix black and brown in a way everyone says you shouldn’t but some how you seem to make work. What’s that you always say? “Hey I can literally wear these with everything.” And you do wear them with? LITERALLY EVERYTHING! But good for you for getting your money's worth, and no matter what anyone tells you over-sized shirts from crab restaurants, leggings and those boots look amazing! You keep doing you girl! Oh and maybe later everyone in your group can change into tiny little dress and…wait for it… cowboy boots! AHHHH so Nashville of you! So cute and it has literally never been done before. I thought perhaps 2011 Taylor swift had cloned herself and tried to make that trend cute again, but she didn’t. Not a problem though, wear it anyway, girl. Tonight is about having fun and when you look basic you feel good! So lets see where the day will take you!
Murals Are Like, Soy Latte Cute
So now that you have your oh so chic daytime adventure outfit picked out, we have to get you to the nearest murals. I mean who would even believe that you were having a good time or even really in Nashville if there wasn’t a mural in the background of your photo stating that you, yourself Believe that Nashville is real. That’s right. You don’t think Nashville is some made up place that’s only in country songs. No ma’am. You believe in it. You think Nashville is like a pumpkin spice latte...not always available to you, but you know it's there…waiting to embrace you and your squad. Nashville recently painted a mural in front of my parking garage. Do you even know what it's like to wait 45 minutes to get home because you’re waiting on the yoga pants posse to take 33 photos using the flower crown snap chat filter in front of guitar shaped angel wings?! Well if you didn’t know it’s not very pleasant, and with that being said here’s what you should do when you arrive at a Nashville mural. Take your photo and leave. YOU TAKE YOUR PHOTO IN YOUR YOGA PANT COVERED UGGS AND YOU LEAVE. Trust me, nothing you do in front of that mural will be that unique, and that’s okay because you still deserve your memory with it, but if you don’t hurry you’ll be late for brunch and that's like literally not ok.
Ahhhh, food. Now, I know you white girls may feel nothing when you turn on films like Big Breasted Blondes 3: The Milk Maids, but if I sent them a pin of flatbread on a wooden plank there would be more activity in their pants than when all four generations of women in their family took a day trip to see whatever the latest Ryan Gosling movie was. Oh yeah, white girls love food pics, and if given the opportunity to take their own…well you better stay out of the way. It's probably best if you eat before going to dinner with a large group of white girls because chances are you won't be getting a bit of whatever trendy meal you were dragged to till after they snap the perfect insta photo. By the time that happens the food is colder than any of the girls at your table who felt like a bando top would efficiently keep them warm. However, with all this being said if you want to do it right then you must get your selfies with a few very important Nashville food groups: hot chicken, tacos, and hipster coffee.
So ladies, hop in your ubers and head to your food porn paradises. The internet is in desperate need of seeing what food you take with your Plan B pill.
No One Cares You’re Getting Married…Literally No One
Let's end part one of our guide to being a white girl in Nashville with one of the most basic and dreaded sights to a Nashville Native: The Bachelorette Party. Let us set the scene: you see it coming for you...a huddle of drunken potatoes all in matching Forever 21 dresses and cowboy boots bought just for this occasion. Their orange skin covered thick in body glitter and the smell of their Victoria's Secret body spray as it's wafted towards you by the oversized pair of fake eye lashes they all helped each other put on in the car on the ride over. Each potato yelling about how their friend is a bride as they all stop in the street to make duck lips for a photo in their matching red lipstick (which, other than the lashes and eight sticks worth of eyeliner, is all the makeup they felt was needed for this night out. They were wrong). As a potato in the group you know that people have seen potato groups like this all night, however you know your queen potato is different and her sash and veil is really going to win the hearts of these strangers you’re walking by. So, what do you do? Exactly. You scream as loud as you can at any person who positioned themselves within 100 feet of you that “YOUR BEST FRIEND (insert potato name here), IS GETTING F$#%ING MARRIED!” and then when no one really seems to care you know what to do...you call them all assholes. Now you can choose to call random strangers assholes before or after you fall down and then take your heels off to walk around the bar/street barefoot. That's up to you. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. (Yes I am)
And Where Do We Snap From Here?
Well there you go ladies (and boys who are white girls at heart). We have gone over some very key things you will need to partake in if you're planning to earn that pumpkin spice trophy here in Nashville.
If you enjoyed part of this series I hope you will let us know! Please leave comments, share your photos with us on social media using #NashvilleWhiteGirl and by all means please keep being yourself! That seemed like a good place to slip in a message about “…be yourself, all white girls are like snowflakes, totally different and unique…” blah blah blah. Truth is you’re more like marshmallows: pretty similar but wonderful none-the-less. So till next time, keep “literally dying” over the most basic of things, keep reliving your favorite moments of Laguna Beach, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you that leggings aren’t pants. Most importantly, never ever forget ladies... boys lie. -Benton Hickerson
Benton is a self proclaimed Glamour Comic, standup comedian & writer based out of Nashville, TN. His charmingly cute and yet brutally honest approach to everyday topics and pop culture makes him the perfect person to give advice on love, life, and anything else your family and friends insist on lying to you about.
I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I did! It's so much fun to make fun of basic girls, like myself! For more of Benton you can follow him on Instagram @RoyalBabyBenton and visit him on FB at https://www.facebook.com/RoyalBabyBenton/
**All opinions are purely for comedy and do not reflect Amber's opinions, but the opinions are hilarious!!!